Realizations
by The Lady of Shadows
Summary: John and Rodney come to some realizations about their relationship. A slash story about breaking up and making up.
1. It Don't Matter

Title: Realizations

It Don't Matter

Author: The Lady of Shadows

Archive: My site: http/www.theladyofshadows.envy.nu,

My Livejournal: http/theladyofshadow. ,

My Yahoo Group: http/groups. http/ and what ever livejournal or Yahoo!Groups I post to.

Anyone else go ahead, just let me know.

Feedback: finally I know I have seemed to have collected quite a few of them. So sue me!

Pairings: McShep

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing! SGA and the song this is based off of belongs to their respective owners!

Warnings: Emotional Angst

Realizations

It Don't Matter

John paused, looking out the window at the night sky and sighed. At one point it was not just him who walked this corridor and paused at this window for the spectacular view. At one point in time, he and Rodney walked down this quiet hallway together. John closed his eyes and smiled softly at the memories this view invoked. He remembered when he and Rodney first explored this area of the city together. They had quickly realized that this living area was for family and couples. Both had dreamt of a time when they could one day reveal their relationship to the public. When they wouldn't have to hide their relationship due to don't ask, don't tell, he remembered how Rodney had wrapped his arms around him and they stared out this window for the first time.

John turned away from the window and the bittersweet memory, continuing on to his and Rodney's quarters. The door slid open at his command and he stepped in. It was empty again. Just like yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that. John chuckled bitterly, it had been a while since both of them had been home together at the same time and awake. Rodney was, once again still in his labs, working on whatever project it was that had caught his attention this time. John had stopped trying to get Rodney out of the lab a long time ago. It seemed that nothing he did anymore worked.

He looked around at their quarters. They were quite nice, far enough away from the labs to be quiet and peaceful. John slumped down onto their couch, looking at the possessions they had acquired together in the past five years. He remembered the day that don't ask, don't tell was abolished and gay marriages had been made legal in the U.S. They had been so excited, for four years they had hid their relationship, pretending that they had been _just_ best friends and not lovers who were deeply in love with each other. He recalled how Rodney had babbled happily at him once the news had reached Atlantis. That day they had put in the legal forms for their marriage and a request to change quarters. Two weeks later they had moved in as a married couple. They had been so very happy, he wondered when it had all disappeared.

For the first three years, nothing changed, they were together and in love. Together they had survived so much. The day it had begun to change was the day that the linguists had finally found and translated the schematics on how to build ZPMs in the database. John pulled his feet up onto the couch, wrapping his arms around his legs, and laid his head onto his knees. Yes, that was the day it had all changed. They finally had enough energy to last several lifetimes. With the new ZPMs they had gotten everything they had ever dreamed of. They now had consistent access to Earth. No more relying on the Daedulus for supplies, now they could dial Earth and have the supplies sent through the Stargate from SGC.

With the new excess of energy, new systems came online, sending the geek squad into rapturous orgasms. New discoveries were going on everyday which meant that Rodney had started to spend more and more time in the labs and less and less time with John. He took a deep, shaky breath, he missed Rodney. Now-a-days Rodney didn't go off world with the team. He was up every morning bright and early and he came home until lat, averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night. John smiled bitterly; sure they had everything they ever wanted and more.

He rarely saw Rodney, they were married but he actually saw less of his husband then he did when they were still hiding their relationship from everybody. Rodney no longer wrapped himself around him when they slept; he no longer snuggled up to John as they watched movies. John snarled softly, they haven't actually watched any movies together in a very long time. They had always made a point to eat together in the mess. Talk about what they were doing and what their plans were for the day. Like everything else that slowly tapered off until they didn't do it anymore. They had been married for five years, together for nine years and it didn't matter, John realized. Nothing really mattered if Rodney didn't love him anymore.

John once again looked around their quarters. They had everything and now, he closed his eyes, now he wondered if it wasn't time for him to leave. It would be hard to do because he still loved the sarcastic bastard. It would hurt just like it would if Rodney decided to leave him, not that he hadn't done so mentally already. John took another shaky breath, his decision was made.

Yes it would hurt to leave Rodney but he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't watch their love slowly die and decay. None of this mattered anymore to John. He got up and began to pack his clothing and his few personal items including the picture taken at their commitment ceremony. When he finished, he headed to the door, one bag slung over his shoulder and a bag clenched in each hand. He paused for a moment and looked at what he was about to leave behind. A line from one of Reba McEntire's songs flashed through his head and he whispered it into the empty room before he left, "Now I know and now I see, nothing matters if you don't love me."

TBC

This fic was inspired by this song:

It Don't Matter

By Reba McEntire

We've got a nice little house on a quiet little street

But it don't matter

A two car garage with a new Cherokee

But it don't matter

Chorus:

Cause we don't ever seem to talk anymore

And you don't hold me like you did before

We've got everything we wanted and more

But now I know and now I see

Nothing matters if you don't love me

We've given 12 precious years of our lives

But it don't matter

And I guess for awhile we were both satisfied

But it don't matter

Chorus

It wouldn't be easy to walk out tonight

But it don't matter

And I know I would miss you if you said goodbye

But it don't matter

Chorus


	2. State of Grace

Title: Realizations

State of Grace

Author: The Lady of Shadows

Archive: My site: http/www.theladyofshadows.envy.nu,

My Livejournal: http/theladyofshadow. ,

My Yahoo Group: http/groups. http/ and what ever livejournal or Yahoo!Groups I post to.

Anyone else go ahead, just let me know.

Feedback: finally I know I have seemed to have collected quite a few of them. So sue me!

Pairings: McShep

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: I own nothing! SGA and the song this is based off of belongs to their respective owners!

Warnings: Emotional Angst

Realizations

State of Grace

It had been two months since he had left Rodney and it still hurt. He didn't know if it would ever stop hurting. John's lips twisted into a parody of a smile, Rodney hadn't even noticed he had left. John leaned tiredly back into his chair, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He had to stop thinking about Rodney; it wasn't doing him any good. He had paperwork to finish and had a staff meeting with Elizabeth in two hours that he had to prepare for. He put his feeling for Rodney into the back of his mind and got back to his paperwork.

He slowly walked into the conference room, feeling tired and worn down. He smiled cheerfully at Elizabeth and Carson, hiding his weariness and pain behind his customary mask. He made his way to his seat and paused, Rodney was here. He hadn't shown up for a staff meeting in quite a while. John mentally prepared himself; he wasn't going to let anyone see how much Rodney's presence hurt him. He slowly ambled on to his seat just before he reached it, he swayed alarmingly. He felt dizzy and nauseous, he decided he really needed to sit down and took another step toward his seat. He never made it. He distantly heard Elizabeth, Carson, and Rodney call his name just as he collapsed and blacked out.

When John woke up in the infirmary hooked up to an IV drip, he wasn't surprised. In the past two months since he left Rodney, he barely ate or slept. He hadn't taken time to relax and have fun. He didn't see the point. As he looked up at the infirmary ceiling, blinking drowsily, he was once again coming to a realization and a decision. He was killing himself in trying to forget about Rodney. It was kind of hard to do when they worked for the same people in the same city. As long as he remained on Atlantis this cycle of self-abuse would continue. Once Carson had cleared him to leave the infirmary he would tender his resignation and leave Atlantis.

Carson pushed back the curtain separating his bed from the rest of the room. "Ah lad, I see that you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Not surprised, you have really done a number on yourself, John." Carson stated seriously, "I'm going to have to ground you from active duty for a bit."

John closed his eyes and whispered, "I know."

"John, why did you let yourself get so run down? You've dropped eight pounds you can't afford to lose. Not only that you've exhausted your body by not sleeping properly," Carson questioned worriedly.

John did not answer; he just smiled at him sadly. Carson, realizing that he was not going to get a response, shook his head and sighed. "Alright John, if you don't want to talk about it now, it's all right. You have two weeks bed rest and I'll be monitoring your meals until you've gained back the weight you have lost. I hope you're up to some visitors because you have quite a few people who were worried about you waiting."

Carson pulled back the curtain and motioned for those waiting to come in. Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney came up beside the bed. Elizabeth smiled down on him and said, "Well, John, you had us worried there. You know John, there is no need to do everything yourself. Lorne is your 2IC, he is there for you to delegate to."

John tightly smiled and nodded. One eye on Rodney, he bitterly wondered why Rodney had even come to see him. Didn't he have some project demanding his attention? Teyla stepped closer, a serene smile gracing her features. "I hope you are feeling better soon, John." Ronon grunted his agreement.

John muttered, "I'm sure I will." He thought, 'Once I leave Atlantis and Rodney behind and return to Earth.'

Rodney glanced at the other four; they nodded and left John and Rodney alone. Rodney stood there for a while, fidgeting under John's stare. "Ummm, I went back to our quarters to get you some fresh clothes and found out they were gone along with all your personnel effects. What's going on John?"

John stared at Rodney in disbelief for a moment then barked out a cracked, bitter laugh. "Rodney, I moved out **_two months_** ago."

"Wha . . ."

"Don't tell me, for the past two months you've been catnapping in your lab." John saw the guilt flash through Rodney's eyes. "Thought so," he whispered and closed his eyes, turning away from Rodney.

"You left me!" Rodney stated in disbelief.

"No, Rodney, you left me two years ago. You just didn't move to new rooms. I just corrected your mistake." John murmured into his pillow.

"What do you mean I left you two years ago?" Rodney angrily demanded then screamed, "What?" Rodney listened to the person at the other end of the radio. "I see. I'm on my way. Morons! I'll be back to continue this conversation later John. They urgently need me in the labs."

"Whatever." John muttered, knowing he probably wouldn't see Rodney before he left Atlantis.

He was right, two weeks later John had tendered his resignation under protests from Elizabeth and Stargate Command. John stood firm, he was leaving Atlantis and the Air Force. Elizabeth regarded him quietly as he prepared to leave on the Daedulus. "What about Rodney, John? You're leaving him behind."

A bitter smile flickered across his face, "He won't even notice I'm gone. Just like he didn't notice when I moved out two and a half months ago. He won't notice I'm gone not till he needs me for one of his projects and finds me gone."

"John," Elizabeth whispered sadly.

"If I stay, I'll die here on Atlantis. I'll work myself to death instead of just into Carson's care. I can't stay here anymore."

"What are you going to do now?" she asked softly.

"I'm going to tour the U.S. in an RV. I'll relax and have fun and maybe I'll forget about Rodney," he softly stated.

John adjusted the mirror on his new RV and looked over to make sure the road maps were in easy reach. He pushed play on his CD player, skipping it to track eight. Reba's southern voice filled the cab and he sang along as he drove down the road.

"Grace worked down at Wal-Mart

For 13 years she punched that clock

Been two weeks without a day off

She never gave it too much thought

'Til one morning in the mirror

Two new lines opened her eyes

And suddenly it hit her

She still had the wings to fly

Attention late night shoppers

A two for one on broken chains

Chorus:

That's the state of grace

It's the weak made strong

It's finding what you're missing is right there all along

It's an open road to a better place

It's a life worth living

In the state of grace

Grace cleared out her bank account

Bought a beat-up camper truck

Turned her pink slip into personnel

Then tore her time card up

As she drove away she wondered

What New York City would be like

And would the stars keep you up

On a clear desert night

With a front seat full of road maps

To help her lose her way

That's the state of grace

It's the weak made strong

It's finding what you're missing is right there all along

It's an open road to a better place

It's a life worth living

In the state of grace

Grace knew when she looked up

There wouldn't be a sky

If the dreams we've been given

Weren't supposed to fly

That's the state of grace

It's the weak made strong

It's finding what you're missing is right there all along

It's an open road to a better place

It's a life worth living

In the state of grace"

John knew that one day, he would find his state of grace without Rodney.

TBC


	3. I Wouldn't Know

Title: Realizations

I Wouldn't Know

Author: The Lady of Shadows

Archive: My site: http/www.theladyofshadows.envy.nu,

My Livejournal: http/theladyofshadow. ,

My Yahoo Group: http/groups. http/ and what ever livejournal or Yahoo!Groups I post to.

Anyone else go ahead, just let me know.

Feedback: finally I know I have seemed to have collected quite a few of them. So sue me!

Pairings: McShep

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Warnings: Slight Angst

Realizations

I Wouldn't Know

Rodney took a deep breath. He was going through the Stargate again with Teyla, Ronon, & Colonel Cadwell. This wasn't going to be a first contact mission. It was a mission to visit old friends. He followed everyone through the gate and arrived at Fraisada. "Come, the Fraisadans are expecting us for the harvest ceremony." Teyla stated and began moving down the dusty road at a fast clip.

Rodney followed the team down the road and wondered if it would be like the last few 'goodwill toward our allies' missions. They'd arrive for some sort of festival and be greeted joyously. Everything would be fine until someone asked that one set of questions. If this continued on, he'd quit going through the Stargate again. No matter how much Elizabeth insisted that he go. These missions hurt too much.

They reminded him of just how idiotic he had been these past couple of years. He'd never thought John would actually leave him and now that John was gone his own inadequacies were rubbed in his face. The only people not giving him disapproving or disappointed looks were the science staff that worked with him. After all they knew that it was just as much their fault as well as Rodney's that John left. They remembered how many times Rodney had actually tried to leave for meals with John or how many times he had tried to leave at a reasonable time so he could spend the evening with his husband. They had all at one point, stopped him. They needed his help with this, what was his opinion on that, and did I fix this right?

Rodney sighed sadly, everyone on his science team were walking around with hang-dog expressions. Especially Radek, Radek had been the one to call him that day in the infirmary. Radek was kicking himself over it, thinking that he should've left Rodney alone and come up with a solution to the problem himself. It may have taken longer but he could've done it. Rodney shook his head sadly; it wasn't just Radek's fault. It was his as well, he should've told Radek to handle it himself. That he was with John and John needed him more then Radek did. Radek would have understood. Rodney snorted softly, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

Rodney looked up and saw they were almost to the village. Rodney smiled bitterly to himself; he knew what was going to happen know. It would be a repeat of what had happened on every other mission he had gone on. The village elder would warmly greet them then spot Rodney. He or she would then ask him, they always asked him, where John was? How was John doing? Would John be showing up later?

Rodney would always be forced to reply that John was no longer on Atlantis and he didn't know where he was. That he didn't know what John was doing and no, John wouldn't be showing up later. Rodney was getting tired of it. He didn't care about the goodwill missions anymore. At first he couldn't just say this to Elizabeth but now, now he could. He was tired of telling every elder that he wouldn't know how John was doing.

The elder of the village, Washu, came toward them and bowed politely. She arched a brow and turned to Rodney. Rodney closed his eyes briefly, knowing what was coming. "Rawdnay, where is Colonel Sheppard? Is he not coming today?"

Rodney took a deep breath and made a decision. This had to end and there was only one way to do this. Rodney looked directly at Washu and in a callous and uncaring tone as possible said, "I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him. I couldn't say it's been awhile since I last talked to him. I haven't thought about him lately so I wouldn't know. I couldn't care, I couldn't say, I wouldn't know."

Teyla and Ronon looked at him in shocked disbelief but there was no surprise in Colonel Cadwell's eyes. Then again Colonel Cadwell was somewhat of an outsider in Atlantis and he could see what was going on with much clearer eyes. He knew it wasn't _just_ Rodney at fault.

Washu looked deep into Rodney's eyes and saw the pain therein and nodded gently. She would spread the news around the village. They were not to ask Rodney about John. Whatever had split the two men apart was not their business. The people of Fraisada owed Rodney too much. By not asking what happened would be a way of repaying what they owed him.

Rodney saw the decision in her eyes and he nodded to her, grateful for her understanding. The festival continued on, Rodney enjoyed it but still wished John could have been here. He would have enjoyed it greatly. The harvest festival wound to a close and the team said their good-byes. When they arrived back at Atlantis, Rodney went directly to Elizabeth. "We have to talk."

Elizabeth nodded and he and the rest of the team went back with her to her office. "Elizabeth, I will not be going on anymore missions, goodwill or otherwise," he stated firmly.

"Now Rodney . . ."

"No! I have too much to do here to go gallivanting about the galaxy."

"Rodney, you need to get out of the lab. I'm sure your people can handle things while you're gone." Elizabeth stated firmly.

Rodney gave a sharp, bitter laugh, "Elizabeth, if they could handle everything that needs to be done without me, John would never have had a reason to leave."

"Now Rodney, your exaggerating a little," Elizabeth started.

"He is not exaggerating, Dr. Weir," Colonel Cadwell interrupted, a serious look on his face. "I don't get how you people keep on blaming Dr. McKay for Colonel Sheppard leaving when you people are just as at fault. The only one blameless of this entire situation is John Sheppard."

"What do you mean, Colonel?" Teyla asked softly.

"Simple, Dr. McKay's science team has had so many demands placed on them by everyone except Colonel Sheppard that they are being run ragged. Each of the scientists has eight to ten projects going on at the same time. All of the projects have top priority. They all have to be done immediately according to the people who asked for them."

"Wha. . .a . . .t?" Elizabeth stuttered out.

Colonel Cadwell smiled grimly, "Tell her Dr. McKay."

"It is quite simple Elizabeth, each department on Atlantis plus Stargate Command has asked us to do something about certain problems. I have ten projects going that are answers to these problems as does Radek. None of the projects we are currently working on are personal pet projects. They haven't been for the past two years. They are solutions to problems we have been asked to fix," Rodney sighed tiredly.

"Oh," whispered Elizabeth.

"Yes, oh," Rodney bit out sarcastically. "The thing is, as soon as we get one done. Someone else asks for something else. When John originally moved out of our quarters, the demands had actually gotten worse. The reason I did not return to our quarters at night was because I had fallen asleep in the lab at my station while I was working on something for the botanists." Rodney smiled bitterly, "Thus, never noticing that John had left me."

"Rodney, I'm sorry." Elizabeth whispered sadly, "I didn't . . ."

"It doesn't matter anymore, Elizabeth," Rodney interrupted. "What's done is done. All I can do now is move forward." He stood up, "If anybody needs me, I'll be in my lab."

"Colonel," Elizabeth started.

"He's telling the truth. Colonel Sheppard was the only person who didn't ask them for anything. Unfortunately I went over his head and asked for something. I should've realized . . ." Colonel Cadwell sighed and shook his head, "No, it doesn't matter anymore. It is far too late to fix things."

Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon nodded, Colonel Cadwell was right. It was now too late to fix things. John was gone and Rodney was immersing himself further into his work, trying to forget all that he had lost. Rodney wasn't the only one who had screwed up. They had too because they had not realized what was really going on. They had lost John and if they weren't careful, they could lose Rodney too.

TBC

I Wouldn't Know

By Reba McEntire

Everyone I see these days still asks me about you

I guess they got so used to us together

They assume that everything is ok

And then I have to say

Chorus

I wouldn't know I haven't seen him

I couldn't say its been awhile

I haven't thought about him lately

So I wouldn't know

I am getting tired of people asking

Why can't they just leave me alone

I couldn't care, I couldn't say, I wouldn't know

I don't get out anymore to our old stompin' grounds

Cause some old friend is bound to ask me why you're not around

I'll just stay away

So I don't have to say

Chorus

I am getting tired of people asking

Why can't they just leave me alone

I couldn't care, I couldn't say, I wouldn't know

Owari


	4. Close to Crazy

Title:Realizations  
Close to Crazy

Author: The Lady of Shadows

Archive: My site: http/www.theladyofshadows.envy.nu,  
My Livejournal: http/theladyofshadow. ,  
My Yahoo Group: http/groups. http/ and what ever livejournal or Yahoo!Groups I post to.  
Anyone else go ahead, just let me know.

Feedback:  
& finally  
Yes, I know I have seemed to have collected quite a few of them. So sue me!

Pairings: McShep

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Warnings: Angst

Realizations  
Close to Crazy

Rodney awoke with a start. He realized that what had awakened him was him reaching out for John and not finding him there. Rodney sat up, thinking the lights on. He sat there for a moment, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He sighed sadly and reached for the picture of him and John on the table by the bed. He chuckled brokenly, he was right near the edge of insanity all thanks to Elizabeth.

She decided she was going to help him. Help him in what way? The only way she could help was to either bring John back to him or help him forget about John. She didn't realize that. she decided that Rodney was working himself to death and maybe he was but he needed his work to help him keep his sanity. Elizabeth decided she needed to go through all the projects that Rodney and his team had going and waded through them. She decided which were priority and which weren't.

Rodney shook his head too little, too late. He had lots of free time now. All that free time unfortunately just left him time to brood over John. He wished he could just forget John. He missed him so damn much, perhaps too much. Two days ago at the mess hall he had been reliving happier times. He had been so immersed in his memories that he had forgot that John was gone.

He had absentmindly turned to where John had usually sat when they were still together and made a sarcastic comment on Kavanaugh's latest stunt and waited for John's response. He had waited only for a moment when he realized that he wasn't going to get a response. He remembered looking up, catching Radek watching him, sorrow shining in his eyes. Rodney knew he needed to let go but try as he might he just couldn't let go.

He knew about the rumors floating around Atlantis. He had overheard two of the new botanists whispering to each other about him. The rumors said that he was going crazy over the loss of John. He chuckled hollowly, he wished he was crazy. If he was then he wouldn't know that John was gone. He also knew that the rumors were pretty close to being true. He was getting closer to crazy everyday.

He sighed again, stroking his finger down the picture of John and him. He once again thought about the reduction in his workload and its consequences. He was now getting out of the lab earlier and therefore getting to bed earlier but it wasn't helping him any. He tended to lay awake in bed for hours before he finally fell asleep. He would, like tonight, sleep for a couple of hours and he would start dreaming of John. He would then instinctively reach out for him, wanting to wrap himself around the warm body of his husband. This action would always cause him to wake up when he couldn't find what he was looking for. After he had woken up he would just lie there in bed until morning, waiting to go to work.

Rodney shook his head, Elizabeth and the rest were trying to help him but all they were doing was making it worse. He needed his work. As long as he could lose himself in the beauty of solving equations or figuring out how some piece of Ancient equipment worked, he would be fine. Eventually. Yes, eventually he would be fine. Eventually he'd stop missing John and everything . . . would be . . . _perfectly fine_.

owari

Close to Crazy  
by Reba McEntire

I still reach for you  
In the middle of my dreams each night  
But my arms come up empty everytime  
And lately I talk to your memory  
More than I should  
If I could just forget the past I would  
Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good

Chorus:  
I'm so close to crazy  
Right on the edge  
Just one step away from going insane  
But I'm not there yet  
If I could just lose my mind  
I wouldn't know we're through  
But this close to crazy  
Is far from over you

Today I caught myself  
Reliving how it used to be  
At a table for two just you and me  
But talking to an empty chair and laughing right out loud  
Turned everybody's head and left no doubt  
I'm a broken woman close to breaking down

Chorus

But this close to crazy  
Is far from over you  
I still reach for you  
In the middle of my dreams each night


	5. If You See Him

Realizations

If You See Him

If you want to read this chapter you must go to my website. ThisFanfiction . net refuses to format the story the way I want.

So go here for If You See Him: http/www.theladyofshadows.envy.nu/Ifyouseehim.html


	6. Heart Hush

Realizations

Heart Hush

"Rodney, you're going on this vacation! That's an order." Elizabeth stated firmly. "It's just not from me but the SGC as well."

"But I have too much to do . . ." Rodney started.

"Radek will be able to handle what needs to be done. There is no negotiation. You're going!" Elizabeth interrupted.

"But . . ."

"You're going. In fact you're leaving right now." Elizabeth smirked at him. "Stargate Command has already bought you new clothes for your vacation and they're waiting for you at the Mountain."

With that statement, the gate whooshed open and Rodney was quickly hustled through the gate and to Cheyenne Mountain. Daniel was waiting for him at the foot of the ramp. Rodney glared at him and hissed, "This vacation is all your idea isn't it? How could you do this to me?"

"Easy," Daniel replied with a smug smirk. "You need a vacation. Time away from Atlantis will be good for you. Now, let's go! The helicopter is waiting for you up at the top to take you to San Francisco."

Daniel grabbed Rodney's arm and quickly ushered him out of the room and to the elevator. "Daniel," Rodney whined. "I don't want to go."

"I don't care! You're going." Daniel said quietly.

"But . . ."

"No buts!"

Rodney walked into the Hilton, grumbling to himself about the high handedness of certain genius archeologists. A glimpse of messy, black hair out of the corner of his eye made him look up sharply into a pair of hazel eyes. Rodney's breath hitched as he looked into the face of the man he had not seen in almost a year. John then began to walk toward him. John's eyes were locked on his and Rodney couldn't look away. Rodney took a deep breath and waited. John stopped in front of him and smiled, "Hello, Rodney."

Rodney smiled back and stuck out his hand. "Hello, John."

Rodney couldn't believe that he was shaking John's hand like they were just old acquaintances who hadn't seen each other for awhile. He just couldn't believe it; at one time they were lovers. They were married and he had thought that they were soul mates. "So Rodney, how have you been?" John asked him.

"Good. I've been good. I have been very busy at work and you?" Rodney responded, forcing a jovial tone.

"I've been good." John stated, an easy going smile on his face. "I've bee traveling all around the U.S., seeing the sites, ya know?"

"Yes, yes," Rodney mumbled. He still couldn't believe that he was standing here with John, the love of his life, talking about inconsequential things. He remembered passion filled nights and sneaking around Atlantis for the occasional quickie when they were hiding their relationship and even sneaking around even more when their relationship was out in the open. As he stood there talking to John, he had to restrain himself from wanting to hold John one more time. It was over.

He had to remember that it was over. He kept telling himself that John was gone and not to look down that empty road. He had to remember not to say anything stupid. His heart though paid no head to his intellect. It cried out for John and Rodney mentally screamed. _It's over! You can't have him, so heart just hush. _After a while, he started to look down at his watch like he needed to be somewhere soon and then smiled at John. "It's good to see you again but I need to go check in. I'm supposed to be joining a tour group soon." He said, lying through his teeth, needing to get away from John.

John looked at him intently and then stepped forward. He cupped Rodney's face in both hands and kissed him tenderly. Rodney's eyes fluttered close and he kissed John back. John leaned back from the kiss and whispered, "Are you really joining a tour group?"

"No," Rodney whispered back, hope welling in his heart.

"Good, I think we need to talk." John stated softly, rubbing his thumb along Rodney's lower lip.

"Ok," Rodney replied happily and John smiled at him.

TBC

Heart Hush

Reba McEntire

His head turned and my heart jumped

When I saw that it was him

After two long years the love of my life

And I just held my breath here

Standing there smiling with his eyes locked on mine

He couldn't hear me screaming on the inside

Chorus:

When I said tear don't you fall

He's gone let him go

Eyes don't look back

Down that empty road

And lips you may move

But don't you say too much

And please, please heart hush

I said something stupid

And reached out my hand

After making love and movin' earth

We were shaking hands

A million sweet memories pinballed through my brain

The want to hold him one more time

Ran through my veins

Chorus

I kept lookn' at my watch

Like I had somewhere to be

Then he stopped talkn'

And kissed me tenderly

Chorus

Zha'hai'vallv'a


	7. The Heart Won't Lie

Realizations

The Heart Won't Lie

"John, you're already in San Francisco. The government feels like they owe you and are willing to pay for a weeks stay at the Hilton." Jack muttered exasperatedly into his cell.

"But . . ." John started.

"Forcryinoutloud, John. Just accept it. It's not often the U.S. government pays for a week at the Hilton for former Air Force Officers." Jack interrupted.

For a moment there was silence at the other end and then John said, "Fine! I will," And hung up.

Jack leaned back in his chair. Well his and Danny's plan was going according to plan. Rodney should be arriving at the Hilton at about the same time as John. He smirked, god he loved it when everything actually went as planned.

John strode into the Hilton and headed toward the front desk, still annoyed at Jack for interfering with his life . . . **_again_**. He glanced around the lobby and froze. His eyes widened as he saw a familiar face walk through the lobby doors. Rodney, his Rodney, was here at the Hilton too. It hit him like a ton of bricks that no matter how far he ran, he could no escape his heart. It had been telling him to go back to Rodney all along and he had ignored it.

He left Atlantis, trying to escape what his heart was telling him. He thought about his time traveling across the country and how many times he wanted to turn around and return to Atlantis and to Rodney. He ignored his instincts though and continued his travels, trying to live his life from day to day. He looked at Rodney and realized just exactly how stupid he had been to just walk away like he did.

He caught Rodney's eyes and held them. He smiled softly and walked toward him, never letting his gaze waver. He stopped in front of Rodney and said, "Hi, Rodney."

He watched as Rodney breathed deeply and then stuck out his hand, saying, "Hello, John."

John smiled sadly, thinking about how he had burned his bridges behind him and all that was left was just ashes in the wind. He wondered what he would have to do to have Rodney return to him. He shook Rodney's hand and then asked, "So Rodney, how have you been?"

"Good. I've been good. I've been very busy at work and you?" Rodney replied.

John flashed a smile, "I've been good. I've been traveling all around the U.S. seeing the sites, ya know."

"Yes, yes." Rodney mumbled.

John sighed inwardly; here he was talking with the man he loved as if they were just acquaintances who had not seen each other for awhile. He talked about what he'd seen and did all the while watching Rodney, wishing things were different. He still loved Rodney. Though he had tried to let him go and had tried to disguise how he really felt his feelings did not change. John realized that even though he had tried to deny what he felt, the heart won't lie.

Rodney looked down at his watch again as if he had to go somewhere and said, "Its good to see you again but I need to go check in. I'm supposed to join a tour group soon."

John's heart stopped for a moment. Rodney was about to leave him. He intently studied Rodney's face hoping to find something. Then he saw it. Rodney still loved him. His heart was in his eyes. John stepped forward and cupped Rodney's face with both hands and kissed him tenderly. His heart sang when Rodney responded and kissed him back. John leaned back and whispered, "Are you really joining a tour group?"

"No," Rodney whispered back, a hopeful expression on his face.

"Good, I think we need to talk." John stated and rubbed his thumb along Rodney's bottom lip.

"Ok," Rodney replied. John smiled, knowing that he was getting back to where he belonged.

TBC

The Heart Won't Lie

Reba McEntire and Vince Gill

Looking back over the years

Of all the things I've always meant to say

But words didn't come easily

So many times through empty fears

Of all the nights I tried to pick up the phone

So scared of who might be answering

You try to live your life from day to day

But seeing you across the room tonight

Just gives me away

Chorus:

Cause the heart won't lie

Sometimes life gets in the way

But there's on thing that won't change

I know I've tried

The heart won't lie

You can live your alibi

Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise

The heart won't lie

Long after tonight

Will you still hear my voice through the radio

Long after tonight, after the fire

After the scattered ashes fly

Through the four winds blown and gone

Will you come back to me?

You try to live your life from day to day

But seeing you across the room tonight

Just gives me away

Chorus


	8. Only God

Realizations

Only God

John and Rodney followed the bellhop up to their room. They both had rapidly come to the conclusion that Jack and Daniel had played matchmaker. They now owed Jack and Daniel but they'd figure out how to pay them back later. After the bellhop had left, they cuddled up on the couch together. They just needed to hold each other and bask in each other's presence. "I missed you so much, John." Rodney whispered into John's ear.

"Same," John replied softly, "I may have traveled all over the U.S. and Canada trying to forget you but it failed. No matter where I went nothing could make me forget you."

"I tried working your memory away." Rodney mumbled softly, "But no matter how hard I tried, it just didn't work."

"We were fools weren't we?"

"Yeah."

John leaned back into Rodney and sighed, "You know, no matter where I went, I thought about you. In Arizona, I imagined you beside me overlooking the Grand Canyon. I could hear your snide remarks and everything. I went skiing in the Canadian Rockies and I saw you beside me, complaining about the cold and snow."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Oh," Rodney whispered. He gently turned John's face toward him and gently kissed him. They kissed for several minutes, not wanting to stop. They parted and pressed their foreheads together. "Atlantis just wasn't the same without you."

John chuckled sadly, "We really screwed up our lives didn't we?"

"Yes, but it's not going to happen again." Rodney stated firmly. "Neither of us are going to let it happen again."

"Rodney?"

"Yes, John?"

"Do you really want to stay a week here?"

"Ummmm." Rodney looked around the plush suite and thought about how the Hilton's manager gave them a look of disgust and the barely contained distaste in some of the staff's eyes. "No, I don't think I want to stay here."

"Good." John got up and grabbed his and Rodney's bags. "Let's go!"

Rodney got up and followed him out the door. "So where are we going?"

"I've got an RV. Let's drive down the coast. We can spend time alone together without worrying about people bothering us."

Rodney smiled happily, "Good idea."

They quickly checked out of the Hilton and started driving down the coast of California. Looking for a lonely spot to park and just be together with no disturbances. They found the perfect spot just as twilight fell. They set up camp and John turned on the radio and tuned it to a local country station. Rodney listened to it for a bit, "Your still listening to country, I see."

"Yeah," John sighed. "Come on, dance with me."

He grabbed Rodney and pulled him into his arms. They danced together in silence until one song came on the radio and caught their attention;

We saw the moon in Colorado

We made music in Tennessee

We found the gold of El Dorado

It was so good

Making love you and me

These arms

They will never hold another

This heart

It will always feel like this

Cause only God could stop me from loving you

Only God could tell me not to

He sent you from heaven

Just to make my dreams come true

When he opened the door

That you came walking thru

Only God could stop me loving you

"God, this song," Rodney whispered.

"Yeah," John agreed and they continued to dance to the melody.

Now we struck oil in Oklahoma

We won the Oscar in Hollywood

We climbed the canyons of Arizona

Baby, making love never felt this good

These lips

No other girl will ever kiss

This heart

It will always feel like this

Chorus

There ain't no girl

In the whole wide world

That could take away my heart

And they're ain't no man

To steal your hand and tear us apart

But there is one God

In heaven above

That gave me love

Strong enough to call my heart

Repeat:

Cause only God could stop me from loving you

Only God could tell me not to

After the song was over, Rodney sighed. "The chorus of that song says everything that I feel for you. Only God could stop me from loving you." Rodney chuckled, "That means since I'm an atheist that, that will be forever. Nothing will stop me."

"**_That was Emerson Drive and Only God (Will Stop Me From Loving You)."_**

John kissed Rodney's temple, "Yeah, well that song said everything about what I feel for you as well. These lips no other will ever kiss, these arms will never hold another, this heart . . ." he leaned back and looked into Rodney's eyes, "This heart will always feel like this. Always Rodney, I think it's already been proven. Even with out separation I never stopped loving you. Not once."

They leaned their foreheads together and looked into each others eyes. "We're going to have to get a copy of this song." Rodney whispered.

"Yeah," John whispered back and leaned closer to kiss Rodney. This wasn't going to happen again. Neither one of them would let this happen again.

Owari

Author's Note: That's it, that's the end. No more. The angst is over and the sap begins. If anyone wants to write the hot and heavy makeup sex, go ahead. I've tried and failed at writing porn or else I would have done it. If you do, let me know and let me archive it.

Zha'hai'vallv'a!


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